Protector

Assalamu’alaikum, 

Haven’t updated this blog for awhile. I’m quite forgetful nowadays. 😔 

Probably because this feelings of anxious, nervous and worried. 

I’m going to be a teacher. Tonight. I don’t have any qualifications to teach three different subjects. I see it as a challenge. I see it as an opportunity. To help people. 

At the same time I want to do my best in doing work. Putting a 100% effort. 

I also have interview this wednesday. I am not confident though I have a feeling that if I have preparations for it insyaAllah it’s going to be okay. Just do the best, and leave the rest to Allah s.w.t. That’s the real meaning of tawakkal, not by doing nothing, but doing something at the same time leaving it to Allah. 

  
I find this picture cute. Zimah was holding my arm instead of holding his husband’s arm. 😂

The husband prayed before the akad. Probably tahiyyatul masjid prayer. The prayer that you do everytime entering the mosque. Then akad nikad. The akad nikah was done by the bride’s father. I wish bapa could do the same, but probably I’ll cry hearing bapa saying the akad. Then the husband prayed again after the akad. I like seeing the husband not rushing to touch the bride and taking it slowly. They don’t really know each other. The husband was shaking when giving the bride the ring. 

I wish hanafi could do the same. All those prayers etc. In islamic ways. Or maybe I don’t deserve that. I don’t know. I can only hope. 😁 

Hanafi said he’s not yet a provider to me because we’re not married yet. 😟 Noo… No more free food. 😭

Even if we’re married, can he provide everything for me? 🙊 After marriage, it is his responsibility to give me food, clothing and shelter. Hehe. Allah will give barakah and rezq to those who are married, insyaAllah. Even if our income is not that much, if there’s barakah in it, insyaAllah it will be enough for us. ☺️ 

And you’re my protector, hopefully, insyaAllah. 

Be kind

Assalamu’alaikum,

I had mix feelings few days ago. Ups and downs. Some was because of my self (hormonal problems I guess?). Some was because of those people around me. 

Hate to admit, but I am used to blame on others. Should stop on blaming culture and focus on the solutions. Yes, it’s important to learn the lesson. However, it is more important to forgive and forget. Easy to say. But hard to act. 

Ka suma was involved in a car accident. Was not her fault. Alhamdulillah, she was okay. She’s a strong woman. There must be a reason behind everything. 

The night before the accident, her husband aka my brother went to our house. I thought.. Hmm.. Maybe main was too tired because of heavy lifting, that’s why he lost his concentrations. Then I thought.. Why do good people tested with bad things. I believe sadaqah can blow away all bad things. Turned out that it was not brother who got into accident. It does have an effect on him. Most probably. But I believe there must be a reason that we don’t know of.   
 
We bought more durians. Only the sample looks nice and only the sample tastes nice. Hmm.. Should’ve believe my instinct. Haha. Not our rezeqi.

Camry was overheat. Hanafi, remember to check the coolant, okay? Be safe than sorry. 

  

Majd: md isa, aziz, jamain and didin. Haha. Can’t think of better name. So I just named it using my name. Hohoho. 

 And meow, how can you be this fat? Ha ha

  
   
Went to sarang korea restaurant. Was delicious but something was missing.. There was no soup. 

Hmm..

Originally I want to say.. ‘Be kind and have courage.’ And some other things too.

I’m too sleepy right now.. I want to sleep. 

Be kind.. You might not see the effect or reward today or now. But you might see it later or in the hereafter. InsyaAllah. All the best! 😊

Decline

Assalamu’alaikum,

Maybe we’re getting busier.. Maybe we’re getting used to being independent to each other. 

Friday. Friday jumu’ah. Woke up, finding mama still being ill. I’ve seen worse I think. The difference is only mama, bapa and me in the house. I cooked sambal pusu again. Getting better and better at cooking sambal pusu (haha). Yana even said that I could do a business on selling nasi pusu. I realised that Yana keep telling of business business business. Yet she doesn’t do any business for herself. 

I tried doing business when I was in Uk and Oz. Selling Tie Rack tudong, Lakemba tudong and Smiggle. Not that I wanted to do business but there was a demand for it. I did well. I think. But I didn’t record cash in and cash out. Not even the profits. I stopped doing it because most of the customers are my siblings. I don’t want to encourage them spending their money. And.. Since I usually have the money back when I am in Brunei, I keep spending it on food. Not good on me either.

Then Hani and Lina came. Yana suggested to drive me to Hanafi’s house because lina’s car was blocking my Fortuna. I agreed. Afifah and Mahmoud wanted to come with us. Afifah asked if she could come in to Hanafi’s house. Quickly, Yana said no! Haha. Saw Ferrari. Cute. Wished to hold him, but then I stopped because of Hassan. Hanafi surprised me by giving extra Garrette for me. Was it really to surprise me or was it really a last minute gift? 🙊 hehe. Thank you. 😍 You know I love food but I have to think how to lose the fats that accumulate. 

Went back. Had a bit of cleaning session with Lina. She apologized by not being much help to me. It’s better than none right? I was grateful she came last night and today. She has 7 children. Imagine. But she is the most helpful. 😂 How on earth does she manage her time? Lina said that her eyes were rolling down.. And her eyelids were closing due to age factor. I said.. No.. That’s because of brain over body (the correct phrase is mind over body. Hahaha. No wonder it sounded weird). Lina was physically tired but she’s strong. Same goes to mama. Same goes to all mothers out there. Respect your mom! And ofcourse mothers! And soon to be mother. 🙈

I am single. No child. Live with parents. No job. Income from parents. Current job: applying jobs, cleaning (some of house), take care of mama (sometimes bapa too), gaming and cooking (sometimes).

Lina is married. 7 children. Live with her family. A teacher. Income from her job and her husband. Additional job: all of my current job except applying jobs and gaming and some other jobs too. Haha. Can’t complain I’m tired to her. 😂

So you can complain either. Do your job at your best. 😊

Assalamu’alaikum,

Hanafi.. You’re no longer checking my blog? Found new love is it? 😱 Hanafi loves game than me. 😭 and who’s fault is that? Meee.. 

Mama is ill. It’s hard for me. With only bapa in the house to take care of mama. Sometimes I think.. Why are people not being grateful.. Complete family. Healthy family. But then I thought.. Maybe I’m the one who is not being grateful enough. I have a house to live in at least. Mama and bapa accept me to live in the house. Be grateful. Because everything must has a reason. 

Remember, what goes around, goes around. Pahala (reward) akhirat is what we’re aiming for. InsyaAllah 😊

 

Soul searching

Assalamu’alaikum,

To be honest, I am not that productive nowadays. Keep thinking.. What should I do for my future. Why don’t I keep applying for jobs? I would lose the chance. Time is ticking. I am getting older. Huhu. Am I going to depend on my parents for the rest of my life?

Then I think.. I should do my own business. Since nanny job won’t go anywhere. Hanafi is busy with his cat. I should think of other business that I can do.. That I love. I think I found one already. But I don’t know if it would success in a long term. It’s just a simple businesss that I would like to do while I don’t have anything else to do. 

I was happy getting the dress from fashionvalet. It was fast. And I love the packaging. Making used of the low myr currency. 😏

  
  

I wasn’t happy though. I don’t know.. Maybe because I missed solat fajr. I was not happy deep inside. So I find other things to do.. To make me happy. And most probably to procrastinate. 

I don’t like it though. I get things done in the game. But not in real life. We have to see our life as a game itself. What are your goals? 

And after you have done your tasks.. How do you feel. Happy? Satisfied? 

Remember, we won’t be long in this world. Need to gear up and keep going. 💪🏻

 
  

Left behind

Assalamu’alaikum,

I know this blog is all about happiness. Sorry.. For making another gloomy post. 

Logically, I am not lonely. Went out. Almost met Grah before lunch. Dinner with parents. Aziz went to the house.. And gave us kelulut honey. Alhamdulillah. 

I did feel sad though.. Since Sunday.. But was distracted yesterday when Ferrari fell ill. Today I felt depressed.. Not because of Ferrari. 

‘Who is she going to be married to?’

‘I got 74, almost first class’

‘I did say not to tell others about my results. I am going to send you back home.’

‘Why are you not asking my permission to send your file to others?’

‘Why are you not being friendly with my brothers? You don’t seem to like my family. You didn’t make an effort.’

5 times.. In a month. I’m tired of crying. Hanafi that I knew didn’t like me crying. Now he changed. And left me alone. Even if I only did small mistake.. Maybe it’s such a major issue for you.. And point it out just to have an excuse of not talking to me or hmm hmm.. Idk (Thinking process in 4/5 hours). Okay 

At least you have a sister, brothers and parents in your house. I only have mama and bapa. Be happy hanafi. And I know you are.. Happy. Meeting me just complicates your life, makes your life busier… And makes you tired.. And sad. 

I hope Ferrari will get better soon. I don’t think I am going to meet them anytime soon. 😢 

Sorry Hanafi, I need to settle things with myself first.. I’ll come back when I’m happy. Maybe.

Hope

Assalamu’alaikum,

My English is not even that good to write though I have to sell myself that I am good and fluent english speaker. Haha 

Being 4 years in Uk and 3 years in Oz should make me an excellent speaker. Well… 😅 something must be wrong with me. I must have possesed some of Fatih behaviour. Ignorance. 

Went out with Syaz yesterday for morning breakfast. I always be there if you need someone to talk to. Friends are cheaper therapist right? And you need someone trustworthy who won’t tell your problems to others. InsyaAllah, I try my best. Though I think it’s actually hard for myself to express personal things about myself to anyone.. Unless people ask. Sometimes it’s hard to bring the topics up. We feel afraid to let the atmosphere down. So.. Without hesitation, I asked her problem. How do you feel right now.. Etc etc. 

Syaz is a great daughter, good to her family and care for her brothers. Also a great cook. Obedient to her parents. I think.. She is more obedience than me. Something that I would love to do.. I am more like a spoiled child to my family. Not something that I can be proud of. Men failed to see because it’s not something that she shows off of. You know this only if you really know her, if you are close to her. I don’t know what men are thinking. Like hanafi said.. Most men see on the looks first. 😑 Is looks that important? Inner beauty is more important right? 

I pray the best for her. I hope she changed for the better soon. Aamiin. (I did say last last year about tudong to her.. And she said she wasn’t ready). Hard for me to post your pic. 😑

Then I went out for lunch with Grah. I thought she wanted to talk about something. But she didn’t. She was hungry and tired. Haha. Need lunch buddy. 

I had plans with hanafi after lunch time but found it hard to tell grah or anybody except my family. Not because I was ashamed of Hanafi, no. Because I was shy about it. I knew it’s not the right thing to do.. But I did it anyway. Being open about it was hard . I don’t want people to follow my footstep. 

I thought.. Being together when we’re not yet married is easier. No strings attached. No responsibilities. You meet your significant others at your best condition (maybe does not apply to me). Hence, easier for you to be hooked. While in marriage, you see the bad, the good. Not everything you see is perfect and good. So.. Don’t set your hope or expectation too high. 

But first, get a job! You have to eat to survive. Haha
Then I had courage to tell Grah the truth that Hanafi asked to go out to write cv and apply jobs. Grah was okay with it. We went to coffee zone. The place was okay. But the food.. Hmm..   

After grah left us, Hanafi’s brother called. Ferrari aka si Napi was not feeling well. The vet said.. The temperature was low. But they didn’t know the cause of it. Probably virus. They gave him vaccination and dripped fluid to his skin. It’s a 50:50 percent chance of surviving. A sad atmosphere indeed. 

They said.. Just wait for his condition to change. And bring him back to vet tomorrow morning.

And miraculously, with the blessings from Allah, he became better that night. Can meow meow. Huhuhu. Alhamdulillah. 

So this is how you feel when you have someone under your care and responsibilities. Well.. It’s not my cat.. But I can feel you. Hehe. You hope for the best for something that you love. 

So.. Be a better children. So that you can uplift your parents burden. Every parents wants the best for their child. Your happiness is their happiness. 😊 Be good!

  

 

 
 

Hurt

I was happy… Ended up being hurt. By someone’s action. 

It hurts. 

  
    
    
    
 

On time

Assalamu’alaikum,

Hanafi.. Are you the only one who reads my blog? You’re the only one who knows this site. Haha. I can see there are about 8 viewers today from Brunei. Did you click it 8 times? 😂 Just to see if I already update it. 

As you can see from the address of this site, it’s just little things. Not major or fabulous events (not that I think there’ll be glamorous event in my life). Maybe once? During wedding day? *keepondreaming* 😂 nope. I don’t expect much. I only want simple wedding. Simple but beautiful. 

For my wedding day.. I don’t want to be wasteful. Every presents must be something that is useful to the guest. Like rice.. Or detergent. Wedding + charity event?

Also, it is a trend now that the bride and the groom talk about how they meet each other. How and why they love each other. How to love after marriage. Etc etc. I don’t want that. Haha. It’s good to have secrets between us. Only both of us know and of course Allah. Even if the groom said, ‘I will love you forever’ in that video.. Is not something that I want. The video must be something that we shall watch every anniversary. Haha

The most important parts are:

1) The syarat. The one that imam give advice before the groom says aku terima nikahnya. (So that we remember the dos and don’ts) 

2) The moment when the groom says aku terima nikahnya. 

3) The third most important. I don’t want us to talk. Maybe just a little. Saying a thank you or terima kasih to each other. Haha. The ones who should be interviewed are our parents. The bride’s parents. And the groom’s parents. They have more experience than us. They have stayed together since we are borned. I would like to have their advice being recorded on our wedding day. They are old, and as we become older, they also become older. Their child’s happiness is also theirs. 

4) The siblings. Saying one or two words? Haha

5) Friends. One word? Haha

6) Guests. Silent. 

The reason I write about this is.. Everytime I watch the video.. I don’t even know who their parents are. I know it’s the day that they are the highlights of the event. At the same time, it seems that people too focus on love. I don’t want my children to see their parents hugging on the wedding day. I more like the children to see the wedding day as the day when their parents are celebrated around the people that they love aka their parents, family and friends. 

Okay.. What did I do on friday. Nothing much. I stayed at home the whole day. Cleaning the house. Playing with nieces and nephews. 

I paid haziqah to wash my hair. Only costs me $2.

I paid afifah, mahmud and ahmad to help me cleaning the fridge. Costs me $2 each. Haha. 

It was fun though. I love the feeling of clean. I love that before and after effect. And now I am getting used to bleach smell. 

And what makes me happy the most on that day is… I prayed earlier. Almost on time. I am usually worried.. I usually said it in my mind.. ‘Okay. Still got time. After I finish this and this. I pray.’ That’s not a good mindset. Terrible. 

Just think it like this. You have a boss. He said every 5 hours, you must finish this 10 mins task. If not, I deduct your salary. If you can do it within time limit, I give you salary. Of course you want to please your boss. And do it on time. 

This is your boss’s big boss. It’s like sultan’s boss. In fact, it’s every makhluk’s boss. Ha. Who are you to delay? I think.. It’s also easier for me to organize things. Like.. Okay, between zuhur and asar, what should I do. In prioritizing solat, above anything, you can be more productive. Less worrying. 😊 happy right? And if you bring other people into praying on time and early, you have less worry too, right? Something that is so simple but not many people practice it. I hope I can constantly remember to pray not only on time but as early as possible. 

   Saturday: 

Aha.. I wokr up. Determined to cook sambal pusu. Yay. Then I had meetings. Then hanafi asked if I want to join them to eat at Charcoal. 

Still found it awkward. I don’t know if it’s language boundary or something must be wrong with me. Ka wani said it was normal for her to feel shy. 

Hanafi’s brothers are okay. They are all boys. Haha. My nephews are naturally manja to me. But hanafi’s brothers.. I don’t actually know what to do. Should I be fun sister to them.. Or should I be a stern sister.. I usually dulur my nephews. To dulur hanafi’s brothers.. Is beyond my capabilities. I’m just kawan. 😅

Then I met Dilah! Long time no see. You still are the same to me.   

  
Look delicous? Maybe not yet. But it is delicous. Mwahaha  

I miss this little boy. Huhu

  
Again, mama, bapa and I went to Jerudong beach to buy some durians. I am happy. Alhamdulillah 😊 

Waiting

Assalamu’alaikum,

Hanafi can’t live without reading my blog. So I have to write. 😂

I felt a little bit disorganized and cluttered. I aimed to write blog every morning, like 5.30 ish.. Haven’t done so. 😑 

Always 2 days late. Always. Need to change that. Haha 

Hanafi asked me to accompany him to vet. I love the kittens thought one of them peed on me. First time in my life being peed on. Was a bit ashamed of it. The feeling of not clean. Being not clean makes me unhappy. Haha. 

  

Look at si Hanapi. Sleeping on my shoulder. 🙈 The one that likes to tidoo tidoo tidoo. 

Then we went to eat at Kenny Rogers. I love the chicken. The price is also not bad, $7.90 for one meal. (Something must be wrong, haha. People don’t usually say that as cheap. This must be Australia student graduate effect. Ha ha). I love Brunei. Cheap food. I can’t really find good high quality restaurant just like neptune palace. That serve tangy soft meat.. Yum. Probably should try empire next time, after we got a job. Also, remember to save up. Hehe. We need it. (We? 🙈)

Later that afternoon I fell asleep. It’s not good to sleep during asar. At least for me. Then I woke up and had stomachache. Yana and her sons came and had a bit chit chat. Ayub said he missed nini laki and nini bini. Why no bungsu didin? Huhu. Then yana said he said it a lot when I was in Oz. Sweet little ayub. 

 The next day (which is yesterday. Hee) I went to pasar tamu Tutong with mama and bapa. I don’t want to drive because I am not confident with parallel parking. That’s my only weakness I guess. 🙊 I felt like a spoiled girl. Maybe I am spoiled girl. Hmm.. When will I grow up? Forever kid. 

Then that afternoon, I went to see ka Wani. To discuss things like my future. About Hanafi and me. Not to see each other often. I think both Hanafi and I understand the consequences of meeting each other. It’s better not to meet, right?  And Hanafi, it will save you up a lot of money. Haha. Giving me food is so expensive. 

Also, she wants Hanafi to understand that I usually go out once a week or more to have quranic session. Hanafi is okay I think. At the same time I think Hanafi also wants the same thing for him. To improve himself. To be a better person. Being with me often can be a hurdle to him to achieve that. Seeing me or touching me or giving me food will not give him anything in return. What I mean is, there’s no return investment because we’re not yet married. High risk, high investment and no return. And can possibly be negative return (sin). If we are married.. Then there’s no risk, high investment and high return. Return in the context of pahala. And of course, other things too insyaAllah. 

InsyaAllah, I will try to limit contact between us (and I hope you will try too). Till Allah permits. Hopefully you and I will become a better person by the time we’re together. 😊