26th Birthday

Assalamu’alaikum, 

Yesterday was my birthday. I did say that I wanted to spend time with mama and bapa for my birthday, but bapa said, ‘Sudah jua kami sambut masa bbq. Ia tah sudah tu.’ 

Fiinee.. Haha. It was majlis doa kesyukuran and tolak bala. So I decided to spend time with grah, amal and hanafi in the afternoon. ☺️

Grah said it’s the first time we celebrated together in 7 years. She forgot that we did celebrate once, in 2010, cause I had an open house for raya on my birthday. 

14th September 2010, was my 21st birthday. It was also the day when my Imperial College result was out, resit results. I was quite calm, it was my birthday and I didn’t want to ruin anything. 

I cried yesterday’s morning. Thinking of how little was my accomplishment. I haven’t accomplished anything, I think. Academically I got 2.1 Degree for Petroleum Engineering, but it’s useless if I am not being offered with jobs. I don’t even have masters.. Yet. But they said this, if we are applying for the position that needs degree, that’s what you will get for your salary, degrees’ salary even if you have masters. Bapa gave example if I were to work as cleaners, you won’t get degrees salary but only cleaners salary. 

Everyone’s rizq is given only by Allah. I can only hope and pray and work hard in self improvement I guess. 

I was happy yesterday. Reading at everyone’s wishes.. I want to help people more. Not because I love to being appreciated (I do love it though but not my upmost reason) but because I love the feeling of being able to help people. 
Like what rasulullah said, ‘The best of you is the one who are being helpful to others.’ 

I want to achive that. At the same time I want to help myself too. 

  13 years together and more to come, insyaAllah. I feel blessed sorrounded with good friends. 

I thought.. All my friends are kind, alhamdulillah. They are not perfect. I know that. But somehow I managed to oversee the imperfections and forgot their mistakes. How important it is to husnuszonn with our friends. So we lack of those negative feelings and support each other. 
  And thank you Hanafi. For being the sweetest guy that I know (after bapa, haha). For being patience with me through ups and downs in my life. Through my PMS season and emotionally weird. Thank you for yesterday. ❤️  
    
 

Left behind

Assalamu’alaikum,

I know this blog is all about happiness. Sorry.. For making another gloomy post. 

Logically, I am not lonely. Went out. Almost met Grah before lunch. Dinner with parents. Aziz went to the house.. And gave us kelulut honey. Alhamdulillah. 

I did feel sad though.. Since Sunday.. But was distracted yesterday when Ferrari fell ill. Today I felt depressed.. Not because of Ferrari. 

‘Who is she going to be married to?’

‘I got 74, almost first class’

‘I did say not to tell others about my results. I am going to send you back home.’

‘Why are you not asking my permission to send your file to others?’

‘Why are you not being friendly with my brothers? You don’t seem to like my family. You didn’t make an effort.’

5 times.. In a month. I’m tired of crying. Hanafi that I knew didn’t like me crying. Now he changed. And left me alone. Even if I only did small mistake.. Maybe it’s such a major issue for you.. And point it out just to have an excuse of not talking to me or hmm hmm.. Idk (Thinking process in 4/5 hours). Okay 

At least you have a sister, brothers and parents in your house. I only have mama and bapa. Be happy hanafi. And I know you are.. Happy. Meeting me just complicates your life, makes your life busier… And makes you tired.. And sad. 

I hope Ferrari will get better soon. I don’t think I am going to meet them anytime soon. 😢 

Sorry Hanafi, I need to settle things with myself first.. I’ll come back when I’m happy. Maybe.

Waiting

Assalamu’alaikum,

Hanafi can’t live without reading my blog. So I have to write. 😂

I felt a little bit disorganized and cluttered. I aimed to write blog every morning, like 5.30 ish.. Haven’t done so. 😑 

Always 2 days late. Always. Need to change that. Haha 

Hanafi asked me to accompany him to vet. I love the kittens thought one of them peed on me. First time in my life being peed on. Was a bit ashamed of it. The feeling of not clean. Being not clean makes me unhappy. Haha. 

  

Look at si Hanapi. Sleeping on my shoulder. 🙈 The one that likes to tidoo tidoo tidoo. 

Then we went to eat at Kenny Rogers. I love the chicken. The price is also not bad, $7.90 for one meal. (Something must be wrong, haha. People don’t usually say that as cheap. This must be Australia student graduate effect. Ha ha). I love Brunei. Cheap food. I can’t really find good high quality restaurant just like neptune palace. That serve tangy soft meat.. Yum. Probably should try empire next time, after we got a job. Also, remember to save up. Hehe. We need it. (We? 🙈)

Later that afternoon I fell asleep. It’s not good to sleep during asar. At least for me. Then I woke up and had stomachache. Yana and her sons came and had a bit chit chat. Ayub said he missed nini laki and nini bini. Why no bungsu didin? Huhu. Then yana said he said it a lot when I was in Oz. Sweet little ayub. 

 The next day (which is yesterday. Hee) I went to pasar tamu Tutong with mama and bapa. I don’t want to drive because I am not confident with parallel parking. That’s my only weakness I guess. 🙊 I felt like a spoiled girl. Maybe I am spoiled girl. Hmm.. When will I grow up? Forever kid. 

Then that afternoon, I went to see ka Wani. To discuss things like my future. About Hanafi and me. Not to see each other often. I think both Hanafi and I understand the consequences of meeting each other. It’s better not to meet, right?  And Hanafi, it will save you up a lot of money. Haha. Giving me food is so expensive. 

Also, she wants Hanafi to understand that I usually go out once a week or more to have quranic session. Hanafi is okay I think. At the same time I think Hanafi also wants the same thing for him. To improve himself. To be a better person. Being with me often can be a hurdle to him to achieve that. Seeing me or touching me or giving me food will not give him anything in return. What I mean is, there’s no return investment because we’re not yet married. High risk, high investment and no return. And can possibly be negative return (sin). If we are married.. Then there’s no risk, high investment and high return. Return in the context of pahala. And of course, other things too insyaAllah. 

InsyaAllah, I will try to limit contact between us (and I hope you will try too). Till Allah permits. Hopefully you and I will become a better person by the time we’re together. 😊

 

Independent

Assalamu’alaikum,

Sunday: Aero mix. Haha. It’s been a long time since I exercised. Was happy that I still had that chance of getting slimmer and beautiful body. To boost up my confidence. And not to be ashamed on the wedding night and the days following the wedding day. 🙊 Men might say they don’t care. Maybe they don’t and maybe they do. What’s the most important is woman should take care of their own body, because it’s yours. In Islam, it’s pinjaman. You have to take care things that you borrowed. Hence, in Islam, you have to take care of your body, you have to eat good things that are halal and permissible, you have to fill in your stomach 1/3 food 1/3 water and 1/3 air etc etc. There are care instructions. Also, I don’t want to be fat. Don’t have much money to buy more clothes because the previous clothes cannot fit anymore. Lots of reason. 

Went and helped Lina with her open house. Then went for a meeting. Volunteered to be treasurer. 💵

Then went to Hanafi’s house. 

  

Glad that they like the food. I was happy to know the food was not wasted. Thank you Hanafi and family.

Monday: 

Woke up late. Sore body. Then washed clothes. Cleaned the dining table. Not much. Then went out with Hanafi. Didn’t manage to send the accredation letter. We ate at Tepanyaki restaurant. Had agreement with Hanafi. Again. Felt that I was a burden to him. Hanafi was tired with my naggings.. Nyamaling.. Asking him around with chores. Driving me around. 😢

Hanafi also has responsibilities with his family. With his kittens. And I am just his ‘kawan’. Just like bapa said.. We’re not yet tunang or anything. There’s no official agreement between our family. It’s shameful to be together frequently. To think of it.. It was usually me who suggested or memajal to go jalan jalan or accompany me to do my chores.. Without considering Hanafi’s priorities. Majdi sorry..  Sometimes.. Or always. I often think of excuses to go around with Hanafi. To spend time with Hanafi. 

I was going to say.. ‘Majdi inda kan kacau Hanafi lagi..’ But couldn’t say it infront of Hanafi.. Somehow it sounds like I want to break up. And I don’t want to. I want to be with Hanafi at the same time I don’t want to be a burden. It’s time to stop. Ended up crying without saying anything. Haha. 

I was going to say that I was not feeling well to go to Zura’s open house. I was not even invited. But I remember I said insyaAllah. No matter what I had to go. InsyaAllah means yes, not maybe. It’s not good to lie. Lying to people means that you are actually lying to yourself. No good no good. 

I was in cranky mood initially. Driving recklessly. Sorry Lia, Nad and Rabs. We had a bit curhat session. Lia broke up because they lost that feelings. 

I had to disagree with this. I didn’t say it outloud though. Probably I didn’t have the mood to say it when myself had problems that night. 

Ofcourse we can lose that feelings. People say mothers have unconditional love to their children but do children have it as well? People can forget about their parents if they don’t spend any quality time together. They say they love their parents, but without actions.. It’s useless. 

Same thing with relationship I guess. We might fall apart.. If we don’t nurture that love. We might fall apart.. If we don’t trust each other. 

There is no perfect men. There is no perfect woman. People change. People have imperfections. Expectations lead to disappointments. 

I guess.. We need to work hard for love. Loyalty is the most important thing in relationship. Even if we lost that feelings, don’t try to give up. Both partners need to work it out. We can’t expect people to stay constant. If you love someone because he’s good looking, then you might leave him when he lost it. The reason itself is wrong there. 

If you love him because of his character and religion… And if he loves you because of your character and religion… Then that love will not disappear. Why? 

Because those two things are not constant. We should improve ourselves everyday in term of character and religion. In that way, you love each other more day by day. Just like what Hanafi said. 🙊 

Thank you Hanafi. ❤️